My husband’s aunt called the other night. Her tears drowned out most of her words, as she spoke of  her late husband. The holidays had snuck up on her and suddenly the thought of spending them alone was overwhelming.

For those grieving the loss of a child or spouse, they are not ready for the flood of memories as they set the table for one less person, or unwrap a favorite ornament. They are not ready to be normal again. They may look normal, even act normal in their daily lives but for the exception of the holes in the family fabric, one would never know they are not ready yet.

“Grief work is exactly that: work. It is exhausting, it is lengthy, it is terrifying, it is often unbearable. It is work that is best done with others, for the hallmark of grief is loneliness. The bereaved are often shunned, a result of others’ fears of death and loss,” says Cendra Lynn, founder and director of Griefnet.org. The web site offers ways to cope with grief especially during the holiday season. 

Listing resources for both adults and children, the support at Griefnet.org opens doors for families and friends looking for opportunities to talk with loved ones and how to cope with grief. One of the links on the site is Kidsaid.com, grief support 2 Kids, 4 Kids by Kids with questions and answers, a safe place to help kids deal with grief and loss. There is an inspiring section where kids can share their stories and artwork with other kids.

This season, while spreading the joy of the holiday, listen and comfort those who find the challenge of seeing beyond the humbug. That's what a wise grandma would do. 

Youth Is Wasted On The Old

The word is out. Our fountain of youth has finally arrived, neatly tied with a 20 year old ribbon. All that is old is new again. 

Apparently 60 is the new 20. Sixty year olds have more in common with 20 year olds than any other generation. For those of us who thought these would be the golden years of retirement, we find ourselves with diminishing retirement funds, out of work, difficulty getting health insurance and fewer options. Surprise! Interestingly enough, that is also where most 20 year olds find themselves in today's economy. 

Our commonalities now afford us a bridge over the generation gap. Both age groups find themselves downsizing, working several part time jobs to make ends meet and looking for affordable health care. Neither generation is in a position of retirement. But with the sharing of a few tricks from old dogs and the learning of new tricks from the young dogs, we might just have a shot at getting out of this economy alive...or at least with a sense of humor.

Stuffed!

The turkey was not the only thing stuffed this Thanksgiving. My frig, my house, my yard, my inbox...all stuffed. I opted to spend this holiday connected only to my family. But tonight when I opened my email, I found a very profound message from a friend. It made me laugh and think about how fortunate we really are. May his musings stuff you with gratitude, or at least a good chuckle. 

I'm grateful to my enemies because they test the limits of my ability to love and help me learn to stretch them, like Darth Vader did for Luke Skywalker.

I'm thankful for my friends who remind me that there's a reason to bother loving in the first place. 

I'm glad to have my family, as dysfunctional as they are at least they love me no matter what.

I'm happy to live in the world I live in because it's so full of everything I like and dislike. Also, even if it does self-destruct in my lifetime, at least it'll put on a hell of a show.

I'm thankful for time because, although I can't make it go backwards, I like the future I look forward to.

I could go on, but food is ready, so I'll wrap up by writing that I'm also thankful for you, for whatever part you've played in my life, pleasant and unpleasant, happy and sad, silly and serious.

A Moment of Clarity

"What we need is a moment of clarity," said Ambassador Nancy B. Brinker, founder of the Susan G. Komen for the Cure. 

I must admit that after a week of hearing, disbelieving and reading, that is an understatement. 

I am a breast cancer survivor. Without self exam at age 39, the tumor would have gone undetected with a mammogram for another two years. In other words, I would have been dead. As I now approach the age of 60, I realize that in that 20 years, it is obvious that we still need to close the huge technology gap in mammography. That is what this scientific study says to me. We have the players. We have the home field advantage. We have the coaches and now that the playbook may be changing - We need the equipment!

The one tool in our arsenal has been and always should be - know your body. The technology for mammograms is not equal to the task.  The organizations who can make that change are in play already. Join them and make your voice heard. 

I invite survivors to lead women calmly to a reasonable and trusted solution. Women are often categorized as emotional and hysterical. Wrong? Prove it! Read, understand and then engage other women to do the same. The health care debates continue. I do not believe this to be rationing but an approach that may be better for us in the long run. 

The truth is, more often than not, we survivors found the lump ourselves. For us, regular screenings are now a way of life. For those of you confused, angry and threatened by this study - you are wasting your energy. What the studies failed to collate is that women worry about breast cancer - period. False positives are no more worrisome than the nagging feeling that crops up every now and again. My advice as a survivor and more importantly a woman - Do a self exam and discuss the issues with your trusted health care physician. Be informed. There is no mandate, research or guideline that will ever replace knowing your own body. That is what a wise grandma, mother, sister, daughter, friend and colleague would and should do! 

Do you have a story to share? A bit of wisdom? Speak up and share your comments here at Wise Grandma.

Following the Bouncing Ball

If there is one thing that keeps my teaching fresh and creative, is the opportunity to introduce students to works that are outside of the box. Ping Pong Polka by Dr. Walden Hughes is one of those rare pieces that brings fun and musical challenges to students. A fresh approach to playing ensemble music and explore new ways to tweak musical boundaries. 

Ping Pong Polka is a six handed piece. Three players at one piano is challenging enough, but this piece has the added imaginative quirk of 30 ping pong balls placed inside a grand piano. As players tickle the ivories the balls bounce and ping as the pong across the strings of the instrument. The sound is at once intriguing and compelling as each note produces the unique prepared piano piece. It is a wonderful exhibition piece and I never tire of watching the faces of young children and adults as they gather around the piano watching the antics of the little white and yellow balls as they hop merrily around the sound board.

I have engaged students with other of Dr. Hughes' ensemble and duet pieces. Duet for Four Grapefruits has been performed in 50 countries. Although Dr. Hughes does suggest oranges for smaller hands or baseball or tennis balls, as long as the title of the piece reflects these changes. But he does suggest that pomegranates and  nectarines are indeed poor substitutes and not recommended. 

Yes, this is why I became a teacher. To work myself out of a job by teaching the art of thinking and playing outside of the box. That is what a wise grandma and teacher would do!

Truly The Wonder Drug

All through my childhood, Bayer aspirin was touted as "the wonder drug". I suppose that was because no matter what ailed you, the doctor was sure to prescribe an aspirin as the cure but it is the oldest medication known today. And although it was seen as the wonder drug, the effects of aspirin-like substances date back to ancient Greeks. Used as a fever reducer the leaves and bark of the willow contain salicin which in layman terms is similar to the chemical name for aspirin.

The origin of aspirin came through the collaborative research work of several aspirin inventors rather than one specific person. In 1897, Friedrich Bayer and Company came up with a stable compound as a result of a treatment for arthritis pain. A few years later, The Bayer Company introduced aspirin to physicians for pain relief for their patients.

Today the tiny wonder drug is given to hundreds of thousands of heart patients as a daily low dose and preventive for heart disease and stroke. Approved by the FDA, aspirin is the only analgesic that can help save your life when taken as directed during a suspected heart attack and can also lessen the damaging effects. Experts agree that your first line of defense is to call 911 should you suspect a heart attack and then chew a couple of aspirin. The best kind? The granular generic - the big bottle with the crumbly pieces at the bottom is truly your best bet says Dr. Nancy Synderman, NBC's Chief Medical Editor, because it breaks up so easily and quickly gets to work.

But if the symptoms are stroke related, Dr Snyderman, warns that taking aspirin at that time may be more harmful than helpful because it is designed to increase blood flow, something that may cause the heart or other arterial passages to throw clots. Aspirin is recommended for prevention of a second or recurrent stroke. And as always, one should talk to their doctor before beginning and aspirin regimen to be sure it is right for your body. 

But wait, there's more this little wonder drug can do. Stuck with a dead battery and no cables? Drop two aspirin into the battery to give it a little spark to help get you to a service station. Have a itchy bug bite or unsightly blemish - crush aspirin mixed with water to make paste. Smear on the area to take down the inflammation. Nasty stain on your favorite shirt? Dissolve aspirin into lukewarm water and wash the stain away. And of course, the all time favorite, add a an aspirin to the water when you fill that vase with fresh flowers, or as the season approaches your live Christmas tree.

I can think of no better word to describe this little pill than "wonderful". So many practical uses both medical and aesthetic, it has every reason to claim the name "Wonder Drug". With few exceptions, such as bleeding disorders, pregnant women and not for children with fevers due to Rhys Syndrome, aspirin remains a staple in our daily lives. Simple, I like it.  That's What A Wise Grandma Would Do.

Make Room For Girls and Boys

There is a local campaign that has offended some, though its intent is to inform and motivate women to take charge of their health care and make regular breast exams. The campaign slogan is "Make time for the girls".  As a breast cancer survivor for 17 years, I think I can speak for those who have survived and those that have not - know your body. 

I spent 2 years in treatment, from biopsy, four surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation. I was 39 years old when I was diagnosed two weeks before Christmas. I had a mastectomy on December 27, 1999. From the moment I found the lump, my life was forever altered. I had 3 young children, my son was only 2 years old. I went through the two years with fellow travelers -  my dear friend lost her fight to breast cancer, shortly after I finished my chemotherapy. All total, there were 5 of us who were in some stage of treatment together. I am the only survivor.

Barbara Welsh discovered she had breast cancer. She had a different partner. Her husband was diagnosed with breast cancer during her course of treatment. The news was at once devastating and yet created an immeasurable bond between them. 

"We've got one another," says Barbara. "We will be together doing whatever in sickness and in health." Barbara and Mike have been married 41 years. Barbara's cancer was less than stage 1 but Mike is in stage 4. Both have had a mastectomy and Mike will begin his chemo treatment shortly after Barbara finishes hers. 

Only about 1% of men are diagnosed with breast cancer and most are in their 60's and 70's. Finding the markers for breast cancer in women is similar for men and the research shows that about 20% of the cases are hereditary. A very good reason why we should make room for the girls and the boys. That's what a wise, survivor and warrior grandma would do!